Nadia Bokody: Brutal reason ‘crazy’ sex you’re hooked on is bad news

Hot sex is a sign of undeniable chemistry – or is it? Nadia Bokody says but it could actually be hiding a big problem in your relationship.

“But it’s the best sex of my life!”

It’s something most of us have told a friend to justify staying in an emotionally unfulfilling relationship.

Modern dating wisdom suggests this feeling is the result of undeniable sexual chemistry – the idea that great sex happens organically with the right person and is therefore indicative of a profound connection – a premise that’s as unrealistic as it is problematic.

Of course, there are people with whom things flow more easily between the sheets, likely because their sexual preferences happen to be aligned with ours, but for the most part, mutually satisfying sex is contingent on effort.

Being able to cater to the type of touch, positioning and pacing that gets someone off requires honest communication, negotiation, and trust-building, which don’t happen overnight. And even nailing all that (pun unintended), won’t make us immune from “off” days, when stress or fatigue render the nookie less enthusiastic than usual.

Sex that’s instantaneously and unshakeably intense often has far less to do with chemistry in the bedroom, and a lot more to do with a general feeling of instability outside of it.

Anyone who’s been in the kind of relationship that involves that unsteady, off-kilter sensation of never quite knowing where you stand – one moment feeling euphorically close to a partner only to have them abruptly withdraw and require prolonged space, become unresponsive to texts, or unwilling to express affection – will be familiar with this dynamic.

Psychologists who prescribe to attachment theory call people who practice this type of emotional distancing “avoidant”.

“Avoidants are not exactly open books and tend to repress rather than express their emotions,” writes Amir Levine in Attached: The New Science Of Adult Attachment.

“Having a partner who is inconsistently available or supportive can be a truly demoralising and debilitating experience,” Levine goes on to explain.

And it’s this very destabilising feeling that can heighten the sense of intimacy and connection we feel with someone during sex.

In fact, if you’re in a relationship like this and you lean toward a more “anxious” attachment style – that is, your relational approach is characterised by a fear of abandonment and a high need for emotional validation – it’s even more likely sex will be a particularly loaded issue.

A study published in the journal Personal Relationships found people who fitted the definition for “avoidant” were actually prone to have LESS sex if their partner had an anxious attachment style.

An anxious partner’s strong desire for physical and emotional closeness can be confronting for someone with a fear of intimacy, so reducing sexual frequency may become a way for the avoidant to feel like they’re taking back control and maintaining distance.

And if sex is limited and other forms of connection (like regular texting, spending time together, cuddling, and verbal expressions of emotion) are inconsistent too, it’s likely when you do get it on with your avoidant partner, it will feel like fireworks.

Not dissimilar to gambling on a slot machine, never knowing if the next round will result in a jackpot or a loss, the emotionally unavailable partner dishes out small, unpredictable hits of attention, affection – and yes, sex – that leave you feeling dependent; that anxiety-inducing wait making each carefully rationed moment of intimacy all the more exhilarating.

From the outside, friends may wonder why you’re staying in a relationship where your partner’s level of interest blows so hot-and-cold, or things appear to be all on their terms.

You might always travel to their place to see them, at times that exclusively suit their schedule, or only text when they initiate contact; perhaps even becoming increasingly anxious and consumed with thoughts of the relationship with each repeated withdrawal of your avoidant partner’s affection.

But from inside the anxious-avoidant relationship, you’re powerfully, neurochemically hooked. Inconsistency effectively reinforces an anxiety-reward pathway in our brains, thereby triggering addiction.

Psychologists CB Ferster and BF Skinner proved this in the 1950s, when they exposed rats to two different lever systems: one in which a lever reliably produced a treat every time it was tapped, and a second that only sporadically – and completely randomly – dislodged treats. Unable to predict when the next treat would drop, the rats became obsessed with the second lever, seemingly powerless to stop hitting it.

In other words, you’re not crazy for feeling like it’s impossible to leave that situationship that’s turning you into an insecure, anxiety-riddled wreck – the addiction centre in your brain is going into overdrive, making you feel desperate for the next hit of affection.

But that other feeling you’re having? The one that’s telling you this is the best sex you’ve ever had? It may be worth unpacking.

On further reflection, you might discover the sex is explosive precisely because it represents a unique guarantee of intimacy in a relationship where closeness is otherwise uncertain.

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